Marriage Is Not A 50/50 Proposition

What makes a good, long lasting marriage? That’s a question that social scientists and counselors have tried to answer for many years. And it is a very important question. The Americans for Divorce Reform organization say that close to 50% of first marriages end in divorce, 67% of second marriages and 74% for third marriages. That is sad news!

Karl Pillemer. Ph. D. is the Professor / Director Cornell Institute for Translational Research on Aging. He did research asking 1, 000 older couples about their experience in marriage. The Research was called “The Legacy Project.” When the couples were asked the key to a successful long term marriage the boiled down answer was “give and take.” Wanting to understand the cliché Pillemer asked, “So you mean that marriage has to be a 50-50 kind of thing, right? A 50-50 proposition.” The answer was no, marriage is to be an 100% affair.

In our society a lot of people think that marriage is a 50-50 arrangement. Both husband and wife contribute equally in the relationship. But the problem with this kind of thinking (the old timers said) was that it leads to holding back and keeping score. For long term success each person needs to decide to give more than they receive. And the attitude has to be one of giving freely.

Crystal, one of the women in the study said, “People always say you have to be more assertive and you have to take what you need, but I could never relate to that. I have a friend who keeps going through one marriage after another and saying, ‘Well, I didn’t get what I needed in that marriage.’ And I thought, ‘Well, did you give anything out?’ ”

That’s good advice and it sounds a lot like the Bible. Philippians 2:4 states “Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.” And in Ephesians we read, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her (v. 25).” And “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord…let the wife see that she respects her husband (vss. 22, 33).” What a wonderful marriage it would be where husbands and wives loved one another sacrificially and with deep respect. It would produce a beautiful life.